Chemo Blues

When I try to describe myself during somewhat annoying personality-quiz like management training classes, “happy” always makes the list.  It might be accompanied by words like witty, snarky, smart, impatient, effervescent, etc., but happy is always there.  Which is a bit of a problem these days because it means that I don’t really have the equipment to deal with depression. 

 

One of the less fun side-effects of chemo, aside from raging mouth sores which are thankfully not making a prominent recurrence at the moment, is what I call the “chemo blues”.  It’s not a deep depression, but it’s just a level of gloom that permeates everything from about the Wed-Sun after each treatment.  Given how things are going in my life, and in all my friends’ lives, there is reason to be bummed out, but this is something that feels unnatural.  Half my brain is busy being very sad at everything, and very emotional, while the other half of my brain is busy being disdainful of the first half, saying things like, “God you are boring as fuck!”. 

 

Then I magically get better, sometime on Sunday afternoon.  And all of a sudden the next chemo dose seems completely manageable and life, while rocky, seems hopeful again.  It’s surreal.  I’m guessing it’s also how many people feel all the time. 

 

Today’s my last dose of AC chemo before I move onto the easier Taxol.  Hopefully this will be my last week of firsthand experience with the Chemo Blues.  But I hope I can remember this the next time I’m talking to someone who’s feeling down, and have more empathy for what they’re going through.  I can’t fix it, but at least I can understand.